Taking Care Of Yourself During a Divorce

Unfortunately divorce is a reality for many. It is never easy when a marriage ends. I often hear the words “I never thought they would do that” or “How could they change this much?” Many divorces bring out the ugly sides of people.

Regardless of the reason for the split or who initiated the divorce, both partners need to take care of themselves through the process- especially if there are kids involved. The better you handle your stress through a divorce and stay relatively balanced will more likely help your child as their world changes. It’s just like the oxygen masks on an airplane- “Put your mask on before your child’s”. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you will not be able to meet your child’s needs to the best of your ability. We know that things get hectic through a divorce. Here are some things you can do to take care of yourself through a divorce so that you are in the best emotional, mental, and physical help you can possibly be in, but also are able to see that your children are in the best place that they can possibly be in. 

1. Find Some Stability- Throughout this process there will be alot of disruption. Lots of meetings with lawyers & mediators, lots of packing, lots of emotions. Try to find some sort of normalcy as much as you can. If that’s sticking to a routine dinner every Sunday afternoon with friends, or movie night with your kids on Fridays. Maybe it’s waking up 20 minutes early to meditate or pray to start your day off peacefully. Whatever it is, find the stability that works for you.
2. Set Up Your Own Space- When going through a divorce and afterwards, you’ll need to find a space that’s “yours”. Change your bedroom: move the furniture around, paint the room a new color, and/or get a new bedspread. Sometimes the bedroom isn’t the only room that needs a change. Other rooms in the house may need a change as well. You’ll need to take down pictures of you and your spouse. This is hard to do! Make sure you do it when you’re ready. If you have children, make sure you have pictures of both you and their other parent in their rooms. If you don’t know what to do with the pictures, save them for your children, they may want them someday. Re-arrange wall art. Move pieces of art around in the house to give it a fresh feeling.
3. Don’t Go Through This Alone- Surround yourself with a support system. A good, healthy, non-toxic support system. Remember, support systems are there when YOU need them, not when it’s convenient for THEM. Find family, friends, neighbors, church family and other divorcees you can call to vent, cry or ask for help. We were built to be in relationships, not to be an island trying to figure things out on our own.



4. Give Yourself a Break- You do not expect to be at your optimal self the day after a huge physical injury do you?  Do not expect to be on your best game after an emotional injury like a divorce.  This will take time to heal, just like a physical injury.  Give yourself permission to not be a super hero right now.  You may not function at optimal capacity and that is okay.  You will heal and be able to resume all your responsibilities as before, after some down time.  Set realistic expectations of yourself and be kind to yourself while you heal.  Just because you do not see your emotional injury, does not mean its not there.  In my experience, if you do not respect the healing process, it will not respect you!
5. Eat Well- This means “no” to devouring a whole bowl of cookie dough.  Many of us either over eat, chose poorly, or simply under eat when we are stressed.  Stress eating exacerbates emotional distress!  Bad eating habits make bad feelings even worse.  Eating healthy foods make our blood sugar remain stable and help avoid highs and lows.  When our blood sugar is out of whack, our emotions almost always follow suit.  So many events in your life may feel out of control right now.  You can make a choice to control what you eat and make it nutritious for your body and soul.  You don’t have to discount your comfort food entirely, but do not over do it.
6.  Get outdoors- this one is my favorite to talk to clients about.  There is nothing like being in the woods amongst tall trees or along a large body of water to make you feel so small.  When we realize that we are pretty tiny in the whole scheme of the world, we also realize our problems are even smaller.  So get  outside, feel small, get some exercise while you are at it.  The emotional benefits of exercise are numerous and unbeatable.  Take a walk, ride a bike, go for a swim.  Do what ever it takes to be active.  Give yourself a gift every day of feeling healthy.  When you do get outside and exercise, you eliminate one more thing that you can feel guilty about not accomplishing.

7. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of the DREAM of what you hoped for when you married this person
Talk to others, cry, wail, yell, moan, rip up whatever you need to- GET IT OUT! Then breathe and repeat as necessary until you can’t stand doing it anymore! This is one of the most important yet painful parts of a divorce. But you must let yourself feel it and grieve it, in order to honor the grief process we all have within us. Many people want to skip this part because it’s so painful. Unfortunately, they either end up addicted to something to numb the pain or they run right into another relationship. Usually these relationships won’t work out because of where the person is emotionally. Then they feel rejected, abandoned, and alone all over again. It’s like wound on top of wound. So give yourself permission to grieve. Talk with others, especially those who have been thru it. They will understand your feelings.
8. Begin a new career or hobby
This may feel like a strange time to do this but it will actually help distract you a bit from your pain (some distraction is good, you need breaks in your processing) and it will help you build your confidence. Many times we put our careers or goals on hold when we start a relationship. This is a great time to really decide what you want to do and go for it.
Remember- it doesn’t have to be huge if you aren’t up for it. It can be taking 15 minutes a day to do something- paint, exercise, learn to ride a bike, whatever you might choose. You can do it in small bits.
9. Realize that this will have a beginning and an end.
Sometimes when people go thru divorces, the pain is so deep they can hardly see what’s ahead. Try to remember this is a season and it will pass. The pain will slowly fade, maybe not fully but it will be less. You will be stronger for going thru this. Prepare to forgive your spouse and yourself. Be willing to move ahead when the time feels right.
Remember, this is a process and it will pass. If you are going through a divorce and you feel overwhelmed and alone, please call us for help. It’s amazing the difference between people who get help, guidance, and a safe place to talk and those who go it alone.


The following article was written by Natalie Chandler