In The Best Interest Of Children In Divorced Families

In The Best Interest Of Children In Divorced Families

Child Custody
Child Custody is an issue that affects everybody involved - mom, dad, children, as well as other family members. Nothing is as precious to a parent as their own child. Regardless of any bad situations, or choices you may have made in the past, you still have rights. The only way to protect your rights, so that visitation, custody, or support of a child will be official and enforceable through the court, is to get a court order (signed by a judge) in place.

Types of Custody
Joint custody: parents share physical and legal custody.
Sole physical custody: the child lives with and is under the supervision of one parent. The other parent may often have visitation.
Joint physical custody: each parent has significant periods of physical custody.
Sole legal custody: one parent has the right and the responsibility to make the decisions relating to the health, education and welfare of a child.
Joint legal custody: both parents share the rights and responsibilities to make decisions concerning the health, education and welfare of the child

More on Child Custody
Child Custody and Guardianship are the legal terms used to describe the legal and practical relationship between a parent and child, including e.g. the right of the parent to make decisions for the child and the duty to care for the child. As previously stated - child custody is determined by assuring that what is being proposed/decided is the best interest of the child.

Legal Custody
"Legal Custody" gives a parent the right to make long-term decisions about the raising of a child, and key aspects of the child's welfare -- including the child's education, medical care, dental care, and religious instruction. In many child custody cases, legal custody is awarded to both parents (called "joint legal custody"), unless it is shown that one parent is somehow unfit, or is incapable of making decisions about the child's upbringing. Legal custody is different from "physical custody," which involves issues such as where the child will live.

Joint Custody
In Child Custody situations, "joint custody" usually refers to one of two possible scenarios: joint legal and physical custody, or joint legal custody.

In true "Joint Custody" arrangements, parents share equal "legal custody" and "physical custody" rights. This means that parents participate equally in making decisions about the child's upbringing and welfare, and split time evenly in having day-to-day care and responsibility for the child -- including the parent's right to have the child live with them. true joint custody arrangements are rare, because of their potential to cause both personal difficulties (stress, disruption of child's routine) and practical problems (scheduling, costs of maintaining two permanent living spaces for the child).

Much more common than true joint custody arrangements (where both physical and legal custody are shared) is "joint legal custody"in which both parents share the right to make long-term decisions about the raising of a child and key aspects of the child's welfare, with physical custody awarded to one parent.

Child Visitation
Regardless of any bad situations, or choices you may have made in the past, every parent has rights to visit their children. Child Visitation is the most important legal step to staying in touch with your child’s life. You can remain a non custodial parent, but visit your child on a regular visitation schedule. To make visits with your child enforceable, you need to get a well-defined court order in place.

Visitation schedules are determined, like all other domestic issues involving children, in accordance with the best interests of the child. In most situations, it is important that visits with a child be frequent and continuing. Contact us today and tell us whether you want child custody, or visitation. Getting a well-defined court order will protect you, so that the other party is not in control of the situation. Contact us today to review what others have done in similar situations as you are having. Be sure to review Child Custody section on this site, and then call us to discuss resolution.

******Call Gregory A. Riebesehl At Riebesehl Family Law Offices Today For Your Free Initial Consultation (602) 621-0770 ****** Don't Leave Your Most Precious Thing In All The World, The Relationship With Your Children, In The Hands Of Poorly Trained, Rushed, Ill Equipped Document Prep. Agencies. When Dealing With The Courts (Especially When Filing Your Court Documents) Those Agencies, By Law Cannot Give You Legal Advice, etc.  They May Charge Less In The Beginning But They More Than Make Up For It In The Long Run When Things Go Terribly Wrong And You Have To Turn To An Attorney To Do The Job Right.

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental Alienation Syndrome 

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent. The alienation process develops over time and some of the symptoms of the syndrome include some or all of the following:

A parent will speak badly of or criticize the other parent directly to the child or children. Negative statements about the other parent may be direct or indirect. For instance, the parent may say, “We can’t afford a new dress for the school dance because your father/mother decided to spend the money on vacation with their new friend.” A more direct comment would be, “your father/mother left because he/she didn’t care enough about you to try and make the marriage work.” Either statement is meant to cause the child to feel anger toward the other parent. It is an attempt to use the child to get back at the other parent for causing emotional pain.

A parent will speak badly of the other parent within the hearing range of the child or children. There are parents who say they would never say anything negative to their child or children about the other parent. They don’t seem to have any problem saying negative things to other people though and if their child or children happen to be within hearing distance the better. These people hold themselves up as a “good person.” They want to instill anger in their children toward the other parent without looking bad. It’s easy to say they had no idea the child was listening so they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. I like to say they are being very aggressive in a passive way.

A parent will make the child privy to the details of the divorce and the ongoing conflict between the parents. They discuss financial problems brought on by the divorce. Make the child aware of legal issues that are ongoing and make it appear that if it weren’t for dad or mom their life would be easier.Not only can this cause the child to feel anger toward the other parent it can also cause the child to feel responsible for your situation and want to take on responsibilities that are not theirs.

A parent will use body language to communicate their dislike of the other parent. The child may witness dad/mom roll their eyes or shake their head at something the other parent did or said. Such body language sends a negative message without a word being spoken. Children are smart and know that a roll of the eyes is a dismissive gesture. One clearly meant to send the message that the other parent is stupid or wrong in some way.

Refusing to be around the other parent or to co – parent with them sends the child a negative message also. Children may be told that their dad/mom is always angry and the other parent doesn’t want to be around the anger. The other parent might not be angry at all but, such accusations can cause a child to have unfounded hard feelings toward the other parent.

A parent may go as far as accusing the other parent of sexual, physical or emotional abuse. If you have, small children who are not yet able to communicate exactly what has happened such accusations can be very dangerous to the child/parent relationship. They may also have severe legal consequences. If a child is too small to talk and communicate what happened you should insist on a medical examination and an evaluation by a psychiatrist is you suspect abuse. If the child is old enough to speak for themselves and communicates to you that they have been abused then it is your responsibility to help them hold the other parent responsible.

Children who have to live with the unresovled conflict and anger of their parents suffer tremendously. Add to the normal stress of separation and divorce the feeling that the child should choose between the parents and you can cause damage that lasts a lifetime. A child is powerless when it comes to ending the conflict he/she is witnessing. They may feel that if they make a choice it will lessen the conflict they have to live with. One parent can cost their child the other parent and their only motivation is revenge, fear, anger or jealousy. It’s a terrible price for children to have to pay in an attempt to assuage a parent’s feelings.

It is imperative that parents be willing to parent cooperatively, that they put their child’s needs first and that their only concern is their child’s sense of security.

Top Books For Parenting Children Through Divorce

These ten books are the top sellers in parenting children through the changes you are facing in your life, and the ways in which it affects your children. 


 1. How To Talk to Your Children About Divorce Written by Jill Jones-Soderman and Alison Quattrocchi. This guide aids the parent in listening, believing, and nurturing their children though this difficult time. It is clear, concise and insightful.

 2. Making Divorce Easier on Your Child- 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust Written by Nicholas Long and Rex L. Forehand. This book offers immediate answers and quick advice about dealing with the different problems children of divorce face, without having to wade through information about divorces impact.

 3. The Truth About Children and Divorce Written by the nationally recognized expert Robert Emery who applies his experience as a researcher, therapist, and mediator to show parents how our powerful emotions and the way we handle them shape how we divorce—and whether our children suffer or thrive in the long run. His message is hopeful, yet realistic.

 4. Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid to Ask About Divorce Written by Meg Schneider and Joan Zuckerberg. The questions children ask during a divorce can be hard to address because parents aren’t sure how much to explain or how to go about it. This book gives parents a helpful guide to addressing the questions children may ask as well as those they may be thinking but afraid to ask


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 5. It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Children Written by Vicky Lanski, this book is written at a reading level for age 4-8, and reassures children that their feelings are normal, that their parents will still love and take care of them, and that the divorce is not their fault. At the bottom of each page are tips for parents to discuss with their children. It’s a really cute idea for a really difficult subject.

 6. Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce This book, written by Judith Wallerstein, the executive director of The Center for Family in Transition makes some great points, such as parents need to deal with their own feelings before talking with their child. It is a very common sense approach for a time when common sense seems to be fleeting. 

 7. Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastle Way The Sandcastle Workshop, now mandatory in many counties across the country is an intensive workshop for children, where they use their creative energies to express feelings they may be having due to divorce. It is an excellent outlet for children who may need help voicing their feelings. Written by Gary Neuman.

 8. Joint Custody With a Jerk Written by by Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran, this book is good for anyone, even those not going through divorce because it teaches strategies for using in crisis situation and how to effectively communicate with a difficult person.

 9. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce Written by Mary Ellen Hannibal and Judge Ina Gyemant, this book is a guide for active, receptive listening to your child, and help dealing with the myriad of emotions your child faces with the changes and adjustments of divorce.

 10. The Co-Parenting Survival Guide-Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce The authors of this book, Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman are the founders of Parents Allied to Co-Parent Effectively (PEACE). A service for high-conflict divorced or divorcing parents. They offer advice ranging from conflict resolution to dealing with stepparents, advice that could save parents thousands of dollars in legal fees and protect kids from needless misery and trauma.

Dating After Divorce: Avoid The Biggest Mistake

Dating After Divorce: Avoid The Biggest Mistake

By Jim Duzak

on Monday, June 27, 2011

When it comes to dating after divorce, men and women both tend to make a big mistake, but it’s theopposite mistake. Men start dating too soon, and women wait too long.

THE DUDES...

Let’s look first at men. In the first year after a divorce is final, a man is five times more likely than a woman to get remarried. (In the case of thedeath of a spouse, the difference is even more pronounced: a widower isten times more likely than a widow to get remarried right away). No official statistics are kept on the number of recently-divorced men who move in with a woman without getting married, but I’m sure the number is large.

• He hasn't figured out his mistakes. In far too many of these situations, the man has started a relationship with someone new without taking the time to understand what went wrong in his marriage. A lot of men are simply not very introspective, especially about situations in which they may have been at fault. Other men find that their egos are bruised by a marital breakup, especially if their wife was the one who initiated the divorce (and, in fact, about 75% of divorces are filed by women); they need a new woman in order to feel like a man again.
• He can't stand alone. And then there are the huge numbers of divorced men who have never developed the life skills to function on their own. These are the men who can’t cook, or load a dishwasher, or pack a suitcase, or wear clothes that match, or pay bills on time, or any of a dozen other things that they’ve always relied on a woman to do.
• History repeats itself. When a man remarries too soon, or takes up with a new woman for the wrong reasons, he’s almost guaranteed to eventually replicate the same attitudes and behaviors that led to his divorce. And then, guess what? He’s divorced a second time, or his live-in girlfriend throws him out and his bitterness about women only intensifies. And he hasn’t learned a thing.

Men need to learn how to reflect and how to mourn before they move on. Will they do it? Probably not, but they need to, and they’ll pay a big price for not doing it.

THE LADIES...

On the other hand, divorced women have the tendency to reflect too deeply and mourn too long. I can’t tell you the number of divorced women I know who have been on their own for three years, five years, ten years or even more, and haven’t had a single date of any kind. Most of these women didn’t set out after their divorce to live life without a relationship with a man, but they sort of drifted along without really thinking about it.

• She waits until the kids have grown. In many cases, a woman will become the primary custodian of her kids after a divorce. (Although “joint custody” is very much in vogue these days, the big majority of kids of divorced parents live with their mothers most of the time). Having been a single parent myself many years ago, I can relate to the almost overwhelming demands on single mothers. And I know that a mother’s new relationships are often a sensitive issue for her kids. But I think it’s a big mistake for a woman to delay dating until her kids are grown.
• She gets too comfortable alone. The problem with waiting too long to begin dating after divorce is that, once the woman decides she’s “ready”, she’s developed all sorts of fears and negative attitudes that will make it tough to develop a new relationship. For example, after doing everything with her kids or her girlfriends for so many years, she may be uncomfortable around men; she may not know how to talk to men or relax with them. Or she may be hung-up on her physical attributes; she’s gained thirty pounds since her divorce and she’s acutely aware of it. Or she has a fear of sex, or of dealing with all the sex-related issues she never had to deal with when she was married: condoms, std’s, partners with unfamiliar expectations or demands in bed

Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

You don't fight about what you think.

Published on April 8, 2011 by Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Couples don't fight about what they think they fight about. It's not "the big five" they identify in surveys: money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or house-work. Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.

Disconnection occurs most frequently in intimate relationships when fear or anxiety in one causes a sense of inadequacy in the other. There is a survival-based mechanism observed in most social animals, in which fear and anxiety of female members of the pack serve as an automatic alarm system to stimulate aggressive-protective behavior in the males. (The better sense of smell and hearing of females makes them more sensitive to danger and more suited to be social alarms.) When the females get scared, the stronger (and more expendable) males often form a defensive perimeter around the endangered pack.

The human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal. In us, this primitive interactive mechanism takes on more complicated forms that secretly undermine intimate relationships.

Confronted with the anxiety or fear of a woman, a man typically responds with protection/support. But if he does not know how to protect/support or, more commonly, feels like a failure as a protector, he is likely to turn the aggression onto her (usually in the form of criticism, "superior reasoning," control, etc.) or rein it in by withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going quiet). Anger or withdrawal by men often stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation in women, even when his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her.
In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he experiences (or, far more commonly, tries to avoid experiencing) feelings of failure or inadequacy as a provider, protector, or lover. A woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation.
If the couple does not understand this unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will think they have a "communication" problem and will likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in each other as they try to talk. They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understandingthe primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.
This is particularly tragic, because the fear-shame interaction is not the result of one party doing something to the other. It happens to them simultaneously. If they do not blame it on each other, they can work together to disarm what is really primitive, pre-verbal dynamic.
First they must train themselves to remember that they care about each other when they disagree

MOVING ON AFTER A RELATIONSHIP ENDS

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

MOVING ON AFTER A RELATIONSHIP ENDS

It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce

• Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
• Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
• Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

• Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
• Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
• Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

• Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
• Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
• Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
• Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
• Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression - Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

• Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.
• Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.
• Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.  

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup

A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.

Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. 

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:

• Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
• Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
• Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
• Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.
• Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
• Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
• Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
• Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
• Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
• Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

A Little Humor To Help You Through This Rough Time...

Co-parenting While Going Through Divorce For The Sake Of Your Children

Tips for Divorced Parents

CO-PARENTING WITH YOUR EX AND MAKING JOINT CUSTODY WORK

Cooperative co-parenting with your ex can give your children continued stability and close relationships with both parents—but it certainly isn’t easy. In reality, putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably can be extremely difficult and fraught with stress.

Despite the many challenges, though, with the right tools it is possible to initiate and maintain a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You have the power to remain calm, stay consistent, and avoid or effectively resolve conflict with your ex—all in the name of putting your children’s needs first.

Co-parenting after a separation or divorce

Joint custody arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and infuriating. It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome any built-up resentment. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem like impossible tasks. But while it’s true that co-parenting isn’t an easy solution, it is the best way to ensure your children’s needs are met and they are able to retain close relationships with both parents.

It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own. 

Co-parenting is the best option for your children

Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:

Feel secure. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and have better self-esteem.

Benefit from consistency. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to expect, and what’s expected of them.

Better understand problem solving. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.

Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future.

Co-parenting tips for divorced parents: Setting hurt and anger aside

The key to co-parenting is to focus on your children—and your children only. Yes, this can be very difficult. It means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Separating feelings from behavior

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.

Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam.

Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.

Use your body. Consciously putting your shoulders down, breathing evenly and deeply, and standing erect can keep you distracted from your anger, and can have a relaxing effect.

Children in the middle

You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.

Never use kids as messengers. When you have your child tell the other parent something for you, it puts him or her in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex yourself.

Keep your issues to yourself. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with his or her other parent that is free of your influence.

Co-parenting tips for divorced parents: Communicating with your ex

Peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex is essential to the success of co-parenting—even though it may seem absolutely impossible. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well-being. Before contact with your ex, ask yourself how your talk will affect your child, and resolve to conduct yourself with dignity. Make your child the focal point of every discussion you have with your ex-partner.

Communication with your ex is likely to be a tough task. Remember that it isn’t always necessary to meet your ex in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging texts or emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is to establish conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you. Whether talking via email, phone, or in person, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:

Set a business-like tone. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. Relax and talk slowly.

Make requests. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. Requests can begin "Would you be willing to…?" or “Can we try…?”

Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you’ve understood his or her point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions.

Show restraint. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons he or she tries to push.

Commit to meeting/talking consistently. Frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and their other parent are a united front. This may be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation.

Keep conversations kid-focused. You can control the content of your communication. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or his/her needs; it should always be about your child's needs only.

Improving the relationship with your ex

If you are truly ready to rebuild trust after a separation or divorce, be sincere about your efforts. Remember your children’s best interests as you move forward to improve your relationship.

Ask his or her opinion. This fairly simple technique can effectively jump-start positive communications between you and your ex. Take an issue that you don't feel strongly about, and ask for your ex's input, showing that you value his or her input.

Apologize. When you’re sorry about something, take the time to apologize sincerely—even if the incident happened a long time ago. Apologizing can be very powerful in moving your relationship away from being adversaries.

Chill out. If a special outing with your ex is going to cut into your time with your child by an hour, graciously let it be. Remember that it’s all about what is best for your child; plus, when you show flexibility, your ex is more likely to be flexible with you.

Co-parenting tips for divorced parents: Parenting as a team

Parenting is full of decisions you’ll have to make with your ex, whether you like each another or not. Cooperating and communicating without blow-ups or bickering makes decision-making far easier on everybody. If you shoot for consistency, geniality, and teamwork with your ex, the details of child-rearing decisions tend to fall into place.

Aim for consistency

It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and to learn to be flexible, but they also need to know they’re living under the same basic set of expectations at each home. Aiming for consistency between your home and your ex’s avoids confusion for your children.

Rules. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two households, but if you and your ex-spouse establish generally consistent guidelines, your kids won’t have to bounce back and forth between two radically different disciplinary environments. Important lifestyle rules like homework issues, curfews, and off-limit activities should be followed in both households.

Discipline. Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof. So, if your kids have lost TV privileges while at your ex’s house, follow through with the restriction. The same can be done for rewarding good behavior.

Schedule. Where you can, aim for some consistency in your children’s schedules. Making meals, homework, and bedtimes similar can go a long way toward your child’s adjustment to having two homes.

Important issues

Major decisions need to be made by both you and your ex. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children’s well-being.

Medical needs. Effective co-parenting can help parents focus on the best medical care for the child, and can help reduce anxiety for everyone. Whether you decide to designate one parent to communicate primarily with health care professionals or attend medical appointments together, keep one another in the loop.

Education. School plays a major role in maintaining a stable environment for your kids, so be sure to let them know about changes in your child’s living situation. Speak with your ex ahead of time about class schedules, extra-curricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences, and be polite to him or her at school or sports events.

Financial issues. The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective co-parents. Set a realistic budget and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be gracious if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide.

Disagreements

As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to come to consensus with your ex.

Respect can go a long way. Simple manners are often neglected between co-parents, even though they should be the foundation for co-parenting. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking his or her opinion seriously.

Keep talking. It might sound tedious, but if you disagree about something important, you will need to continue to communicate about the topic. Never discuss your differences of opinions with or in front of your child. If you still can’t agree, you may need to talk to a third party, like a therapist or mediator.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you disagree about important issues like a medical surgery or choice of school for your child, by all means keep the discussion going. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, try to let it go and save your energy for the bigger issues.

Compromise. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex spouse’s point of view as often as he or she comes around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.

Co-parenting tips for divorced parents: Making transitions easier

The actual move from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just on weekends, can be a very hard time for children. Transitions represent a major change in your children's reality. Every reunion with one parent is also a separation with the other; each “hello” is also a “goodbye.” In joint custody arrangements, transition time is inevitable, but there are many things you can do to help make exchanges and transitions easier, both when your children leave and return.

When your child leaves

As kids prepare to leave your house for your ex’s, try to stay positive and deliver them on time. You can use the following strategies to help make transitions easier:

Help children anticipate change. Remind kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house a day or two before the visit.

Pack in advance. Depending on their age, help children pack their bags well before they leave so that they don’t forget anything they’ll miss. Encourage packing familiar reminders like a special stuffed toy or photograph.

Always drop off—never pick up the child on "switch day." It’s a good idea to avoid "taking" your child from the other parent so that you don’t risk interrupting or curtailing a special moment. Drop off your child at the other parent’s house instead.

When your child returns

The beginning of your children’s return to your home can be awkward or even rocky. You can try the following to help your child adjust:

Keep things low-key. When children first enter your home, try to have some down time together—read a book or do some other quiet activity.

Double up. To make packing simpler and make kids feel more comfortable when they are at the other parent's house, have kids keep certain basics—toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas—at both houses.

Allow the child space. Children often need a little time to adjust to the transition. If they seem to need some space, do something else nearby. In time, things will get back to normal.

Establish a special routine. Play a game or serve the same special meal each time your child returns. Kids thrive on routine—if they know exactly what to expect when they return to you it can help the transition.

Dealing with visitation refusal

Sometimes kids refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. Although this can be a difficult situation, it is also common for children in joint custody.

Find the cause. The problem may be one that is easy to resolve, like paying more attention to your child, making a change in discipline style, or having more toys or other entertainment. Or it may be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. Talk to your child about his or her refusal.

Go with the flow. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your child the space and time that he or she obviously needs. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation refusal are temporary.

Talk to your ex. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to be sensitive and understanding to your ex as you discuss this touchy subject.

Books that we highly recommend to help parents navigate through the pain, anger, frustration, shock, chaos, and the variety of other emotions they are going through during a divorce and child custody/visitation issues as well as these exceptional books just for children to help them cope with their pain, fears, and myriad of other difficult  feelings and struggles through the changes and adjustments experienced during family law matters:

Please don't forget to call Family Law Attorney Gregory A. Riebesehl of Riebesehl Family Law Offices in Arizona for your FREE INITIAL CONSULTATION and any needs you have concerning REPRESENTATION IN THE ARIZONA COURTS or mediation and conflict resolution or other family coaching matters At (602) 621-0779. All Initial Consultations are free of charge as well as are brief questions when deciding whether you need the expertise of a lawyer (since most self help matters or paralegal assisted matters are rejected by the Courts or end up going very badly for the parties involved and are usually permanent for a year or more before a judge will even entertain the idea of modifying any orders including property distribution, child support, visitation, custody, financial responsibilties, spousal maintenance, and Court ordered awards of assets, etc.) and any document preparation, help with document preparation in self help matters, mediation, conflict resolution, strategic and successful planning and expediente execution through the divorce process, or family coaching can be done over the phone or in person for flat fees NATIONWIDE AS WELL AS OVER SEAS OR OUT OF STATES CLIENTS paid before the session or sessions (as you may have as many as you wish) paying with a credit card, prepaid money card, paypal account transaction, wired money deposit transaction, or cash. Mr. Riebesehl's fees are at $250 dollars per 1 hour and he does work with payment plans, pay as you go options, flat fees, and negotiatable retainer fees per complexity of each individual matter. He has a reputation for being one of the very best and most experienced, versatile, excellent family law attorneys in the State and without a doubt one of the most reasonably priced attorneys as he does not churn up the animosity in the case just to earn exorbitant fees at the expense of his clients and their families especially given these rough economic times and the highly emotional vulnerabilities of his clients and their families while enduring some of the most painful and life altering changes that they are going through. Our firm is here for you and we are a family run firm catering to the needs of the families we are fighting for!!! We look forward to hearing from you and to helping you not only survive but to thrive through the process of all family law matters. Call us at (602) 621-0779 or e-mail us at gregriebesehl@yahoo.com.