What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental Alienation Syndrome 

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent. The alienation process develops over time and some of the symptoms of the syndrome include some or all of the following:

A parent will speak badly of or criticize the other parent directly to the child or children. Negative statements about the other parent may be direct or indirect. For instance, the parent may say, “We can’t afford a new dress for the school dance because your father/mother decided to spend the money on vacation with their new friend.” A more direct comment would be, “your father/mother left because he/she didn’t care enough about you to try and make the marriage work.” Either statement is meant to cause the child to feel anger toward the other parent. It is an attempt to use the child to get back at the other parent for causing emotional pain.

A parent will speak badly of the other parent within the hearing range of the child or children. There are parents who say they would never say anything negative to their child or children about the other parent. They don’t seem to have any problem saying negative things to other people though and if their child or children happen to be within hearing distance the better. These people hold themselves up as a “good person.” They want to instill anger in their children toward the other parent without looking bad. It’s easy to say they had no idea the child was listening so they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. I like to say they are being very aggressive in a passive way.

A parent will make the child privy to the details of the divorce and the ongoing conflict between the parents. They discuss financial problems brought on by the divorce. Make the child aware of legal issues that are ongoing and make it appear that if it weren’t for dad or mom their life would be easier.Not only can this cause the child to feel anger toward the other parent it can also cause the child to feel responsible for your situation and want to take on responsibilities that are not theirs.

A parent will use body language to communicate their dislike of the other parent. The child may witness dad/mom roll their eyes or shake their head at something the other parent did or said. Such body language sends a negative message without a word being spoken. Children are smart and know that a roll of the eyes is a dismissive gesture. One clearly meant to send the message that the other parent is stupid or wrong in some way.

Refusing to be around the other parent or to co – parent with them sends the child a negative message also. Children may be told that their dad/mom is always angry and the other parent doesn’t want to be around the anger. The other parent might not be angry at all but, such accusations can cause a child to have unfounded hard feelings toward the other parent.

A parent may go as far as accusing the other parent of sexual, physical or emotional abuse. If you have, small children who are not yet able to communicate exactly what has happened such accusations can be very dangerous to the child/parent relationship. They may also have severe legal consequences. If a child is too small to talk and communicate what happened you should insist on a medical examination and an evaluation by a psychiatrist is you suspect abuse. If the child is old enough to speak for themselves and communicates to you that they have been abused then it is your responsibility to help them hold the other parent responsible.

Children who have to live with the unresovled conflict and anger of their parents suffer tremendously. Add to the normal stress of separation and divorce the feeling that the child should choose between the parents and you can cause damage that lasts a lifetime. A child is powerless when it comes to ending the conflict he/she is witnessing. They may feel that if they make a choice it will lessen the conflict they have to live with. One parent can cost their child the other parent and their only motivation is revenge, fear, anger or jealousy. It’s a terrible price for children to have to pay in an attempt to assuage a parent’s feelings.

It is imperative that parents be willing to parent cooperatively, that they put their child’s needs first and that their only concern is their child’s sense of security.

Top Books For Parenting Children Through Divorce

These ten books are the top sellers in parenting children through the changes you are facing in your life, and the ways in which it affects your children. 


 1. How To Talk to Your Children About Divorce Written by Jill Jones-Soderman and Alison Quattrocchi. This guide aids the parent in listening, believing, and nurturing their children though this difficult time. It is clear, concise and insightful.

 2. Making Divorce Easier on Your Child- 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust Written by Nicholas Long and Rex L. Forehand. This book offers immediate answers and quick advice about dealing with the different problems children of divorce face, without having to wade through information about divorces impact.

 3. The Truth About Children and Divorce Written by the nationally recognized expert Robert Emery who applies his experience as a researcher, therapist, and mediator to show parents how our powerful emotions and the way we handle them shape how we divorce—and whether our children suffer or thrive in the long run. His message is hopeful, yet realistic.

 4. Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid to Ask About Divorce Written by Meg Schneider and Joan Zuckerberg. The questions children ask during a divorce can be hard to address because parents aren’t sure how much to explain or how to go about it. This book gives parents a helpful guide to addressing the questions children may ask as well as those they may be thinking but afraid to ask


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 5. It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Children Written by Vicky Lanski, this book is written at a reading level for age 4-8, and reassures children that their feelings are normal, that their parents will still love and take care of them, and that the divorce is not their fault. At the bottom of each page are tips for parents to discuss with their children. It’s a really cute idea for a really difficult subject.

 6. Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce This book, written by Judith Wallerstein, the executive director of The Center for Family in Transition makes some great points, such as parents need to deal with their own feelings before talking with their child. It is a very common sense approach for a time when common sense seems to be fleeting. 

 7. Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastle Way The Sandcastle Workshop, now mandatory in many counties across the country is an intensive workshop for children, where they use their creative energies to express feelings they may be having due to divorce. It is an excellent outlet for children who may need help voicing their feelings. Written by Gary Neuman.

 8. Joint Custody With a Jerk Written by by Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran, this book is good for anyone, even those not going through divorce because it teaches strategies for using in crisis situation and how to effectively communicate with a difficult person.

 9. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce Written by Mary Ellen Hannibal and Judge Ina Gyemant, this book is a guide for active, receptive listening to your child, and help dealing with the myriad of emotions your child faces with the changes and adjustments of divorce.

 10. The Co-Parenting Survival Guide-Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce The authors of this book, Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman are the founders of Parents Allied to Co-Parent Effectively (PEACE). A service for high-conflict divorced or divorcing parents. They offer advice ranging from conflict resolution to dealing with stepparents, advice that could save parents thousands of dollars in legal fees and protect kids from needless misery and trauma.

Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

You don't fight about what you think.

Published on April 8, 2011 by Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Couples don't fight about what they think they fight about. It's not "the big five" they identify in surveys: money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or house-work. Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.

Disconnection occurs most frequently in intimate relationships when fear or anxiety in one causes a sense of inadequacy in the other. There is a survival-based mechanism observed in most social animals, in which fear and anxiety of female members of the pack serve as an automatic alarm system to stimulate aggressive-protective behavior in the males. (The better sense of smell and hearing of females makes them more sensitive to danger and more suited to be social alarms.) When the females get scared, the stronger (and more expendable) males often form a defensive perimeter around the endangered pack.

The human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal. In us, this primitive interactive mechanism takes on more complicated forms that secretly undermine intimate relationships.

Confronted with the anxiety or fear of a woman, a man typically responds with protection/support. But if he does not know how to protect/support or, more commonly, feels like a failure as a protector, he is likely to turn the aggression onto her (usually in the form of criticism, "superior reasoning," control, etc.) or rein it in by withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going quiet). Anger or withdrawal by men often stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation in women, even when his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her.
In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he experiences (or, far more commonly, tries to avoid experiencing) feelings of failure or inadequacy as a provider, protector, or lover. A woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation.
If the couple does not understand this unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will think they have a "communication" problem and will likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in each other as they try to talk. They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understandingthe primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.
This is particularly tragic, because the fear-shame interaction is not the result of one party doing something to the other. It happens to them simultaneously. If they do not blame it on each other, they can work together to disarm what is really primitive, pre-verbal dynamic.
First they must train themselves to remember that they care about each other when they disagree