Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

Marriage Problems: Why Couples Fight

You don't fight about what you think.

Published on April 8, 2011 by Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Couples don't fight about what they think they fight about. It's not "the big five" they identify in surveys: money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or house-work. Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.

Disconnection occurs most frequently in intimate relationships when fear or anxiety in one causes a sense of inadequacy in the other. There is a survival-based mechanism observed in most social animals, in which fear and anxiety of female members of the pack serve as an automatic alarm system to stimulate aggressive-protective behavior in the males. (The better sense of smell and hearing of females makes them more sensitive to danger and more suited to be social alarms.) When the females get scared, the stronger (and more expendable) males often form a defensive perimeter around the endangered pack.

The human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal. In us, this primitive interactive mechanism takes on more complicated forms that secretly undermine intimate relationships.

Confronted with the anxiety or fear of a woman, a man typically responds with protection/support. But if he does not know how to protect/support or, more commonly, feels like a failure as a protector, he is likely to turn the aggression onto her (usually in the form of criticism, "superior reasoning," control, etc.) or rein it in by withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going quiet). Anger or withdrawal by men often stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation in women, even when his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her.
In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he experiences (or, far more commonly, tries to avoid experiencing) feelings of failure or inadequacy as a provider, protector, or lover. A woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation.
If the couple does not understand this unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will think they have a "communication" problem and will likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in each other as they try to talk. They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understandingthe primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.
This is particularly tragic, because the fear-shame interaction is not the result of one party doing something to the other. It happens to them simultaneously. If they do not blame it on each other, they can work together to disarm what is really primitive, pre-verbal dynamic.
First they must train themselves to remember that they care about each other when they disagree

CHILD CUSTODY AND VISITATION TIPS

CHILD CUSTODY AND VISITATION TIPS

Child custody disputes can often be bitter, and it is particularly unfortunate when a child is exposed or placed in the middle of such a battle. With both children and families' wellness in mind, here are five tips on general child custody and visitation issues:

1. Put your children's interests first. Divorce is a stressful and emotional event in most cases, and this goes for kids too. To the extent it is possible to ease their burden, it is best for both parents to do so.


2. For non-custodial parents, avoid the temption of letting visitation become play or vacation time. This can affect the parenting dynamic in negative ways, and one may be better served by using the time to reinforce the parent-child relationship and spending "regular" time together.


3. Behave respectfully with an ex. A tough one, in some cases, but at the very least when in front of the kids, former spouses should be civil and respectful toward each other.


4. Avoid stepping into issues between your kid and your ex. Sometimes a child will something they "didn't get their way" on from one parent to the other, hoping for a more favorable resolution. It is all too tempting to be the good guy or good gal in such situations, but it should be avoided unless it involves safety issues or similar concerns.


5. Be there for your kid. This one should probably be #1 as far as importance, and this means being responsible in making arrangements for visitation, and being prompt and reliable in sticking to it.

Tips For Parents going through divorce

Divorce can be very traumatic for children.

The single biggest factor in the well being of children in divorce is how well their parents get along with each other. So do everything you can to heal your relationship, one human being to another.

Here are some additional tips for how to preserve your children's well being:

1. Do everything you can to have the family unit continue. To a child, the loss of family represents the loss of security and well being. Do everything you can to heal your relationship with the other parent so you can work together for the benefit of your children. Keep the family unit in tact even though you live in different places. Attend special events together and support your children as a team. Make sure your children know that they will always be loved and taken care of.

2. Let your children know that it's okay to love both parents. Don't make them choose between Mom and Dad. Children need to have a supportive relationship with both parents. Encourage your children's involvement with the other parent and with other significant family members. Children should feel comfortable having full access to both parents and family members through email, letters, telephone calls and personal visits. Encourage communication.

3. Reinforce the idea that your children have two homes. Children should feel that they have a special home with each parent. They should never have to choose which home is better or which is their "real home". Don't criticize or judge your children's other home. Also, make sure your children have a special place in your home that belongs to them. Do this even if it's just a section of a room.

4. Let your children know that you will always love them. Do this in both your words and your actions. When divorce occurs, children often lose their sense of security. They wonder, "If Mom and Dad can stop loving each other, they can stop loving me." Children need to know that they are loved. Tell them that the love between a parent and a child is different than between a husband and wife. Make sure your children know that they will be loved no matter what.

5. Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault. Children tend to blame themselves for the breakup. They believe that they caused the divorce. Make sure your children know that this isn't true. Tell them that the divorce is not their fault and that there is nothing they can do to change or fix the situation. Love your children enough to tell them this more than once.

6. Maintain a good working relationship with the other parent. The single biggest factor in the well being of children in divorce is how well their parents get along with each other. Stay in communication with the other parent and do everything you can to heal your relationship, one human being to another. Don’t expose your children to arguments, insults and other forms of conflict. Discuss important issues at times when the children won’t overhear.

7. Keep the other parent advised on all important matters. Don't make this your child's responsibility. Divorce is a confusing time for children. They should not be burdened with supplying information between households. Make sure you provide the other parent sufficient details regarding school functions, extracurricular activities and special events. Children need to be supported by both of you.

8. Make it easy for your children to express their feelings. Let them feel their hurt and let them say whatever they want to say about their situation. Listen to them. Don't judge them, suppress them or talk them out of their feelings. Let them express their emotions and their concerns. Let them know that it's okay to feel sad and let them know that you are always available to talk.

9. Speak positively about the other parent. Avoid criticizing or saying anything negative about the other person. Children literally view themselves as half mom and half dad. When children hear negative remarks about one of their parents, they internalize it. They consider it an attack against themselves. When anger makes it difficult to say anything positive about the other person, don't say anything at all. This holds true for remarks concerning step-parents, grandparents and any other significant person.

10. Allow your children to stay children. Do not use your children as a source of emotional support or make them your confidant. Children should not be exposed to information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or intimate details regarding your divorce. Let them be children

This is credited to Bill Ferguson

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• Divorce - How to Rebuild Your Life, How to Talk to Your Children (socyberty.com)